What if _________ were gay?

It occurred to me recently that our history, our present, our future could be incredibly and unrecognizably different if certain prominent figures were gay. Dare I say it might be a better place? I don't want to offend you hets, but let's think about this for a moment.

WHAT IF RONALD REAGAN WERE GAY?

REAGAN ANNOUNCES BILLIONS IN RESEARCH FUNDING FOR NEW MYSTERY ILLNESS -- headline in the New York Times

Look at that suit. All he
needs is a little paisley scarf.

It's 1982 and President Reagan, out of concern for millions of gay men who are dying of mysterious affliction some doctors are calling Gay-Related Immunodeficiency Syndrome, has announced that he will increase funding to NIH and the CDC to try to learn more about the spectrum of illnesses and how to stop them. "I care about my fellow homosexuals," Reagan said in an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters. "I've known all my life that I was gay, and my partner Hank and I are dealing with a lot of loss right now -- our friends are dying, people's sons and fathers and brothers are dying. As president, I can help stop these needless deaths. Forget missile shields in space and other such boondogglery; I want to save lives."

Oh, if only. Let's keep dreaming, shall we? (Is "boondogglery" a word?)

WHAT IF ABRAHAM LINCOLN WERE GAY?

Look at that impish grin. He's
probably thinking about Joshua
Fry Speed right now.

Oh wait. This one's kind-of a gimme. The guy didn't get all war-crazed and say "fuck the rebels! blow 'em to hell!" like, say, a moron hetero like Chimpy would've. Nope, he was sensible. Sensitive. Thoughtful. Gay, perhaps? He brought our nation through a bitter and bloody civil war; he helped bring an end to slavery. Let's face it -- probably gay! It's not like we haven't all heard the stories!

Let's keep thinking. Maybe a movie star...

WHAT IF TOM CRUISE WERE GAY?Oh wait. Yeah. Gay. Obvy! Okay. Let's think here. No more Hollywood. Let's go back east to the tough guys....

WHAT IF J. EDGAR HOOVER WERE GAY?

"Ooooh, watch where you point that thing, tough guy!"

Well, shit! This is really hard! Who else?

Editorial Note: I really DO wish Reagan had been gay, and not just gay but OPENLY gay. Of course, he'd never have been president -- unless we started our little game so far back in history that, by the time 1980 rolled around, homosexuality was completely accepted. So let's try that....

WHAT IF ALEXANDER THE GREAT...oh fuck.

WHAT IF JULIUS CAESAR WERE GAY?

"Talk to me, Marky Mark."

Hmmm. I know the Greeks were always having man-sex, but what about the Romans? If my barely passable knowledge of the Roman Empire is correct, I don't recall any gay rumors among the Caesars or Marc Antonys of Rome. Still, there was that whole stabbing on the Ides of March thing. Jilted lovers? Gay drama? Bizarre love triangle? You decide.

Moving on through history...

WHAT IF KING ARTHUR WERE GAY?

Where IS that handsome Lancelot?

So after pulling the sword from the stone and becoming the boy king, Arthur Pendragon gets Merlin to set him up this hot guy named Lancelot. They hang out together, sword-fighting (ahem) and creating Camelot, decorating the castle just so. Guinevere is never able to turn Lance's head so none of that drama starts. Instead all people are allowed to love whomever they want, and they all drink from the grail at weddings both gay and straight.

Onward....

WHAT IF QUEEN ELIZABETH WERE GAY?

Imagine her in some khakis,
a button-down shirt,
and some Hush Puppies.
Can you say "World Peace"?

Now THIS isn't hard. She'd still have remained single, still have kicked ass in battle, still have been the ruler of the free world -- and she would've gotten to wear sensible shoes and comfy clothes instead of that weirdo kabuki makeup and stuff. The Gay Virgin Queen! Bring on women's lib, Renaissance style! Pants for everyone! Some Italian invents Doc Martins and we all live happily ever after in a Shakespearean sonnet!

WHAT IF RICHARD NIXON WERE GAY?

"Hey, Macarena--YEAH!"

All republicans would be officially gay, by order of the President. End of story.

WHAT IF GLENN BECK WERE GAY?

"All I want is a REAL relationship with a hot and
loving man! Is that so much to ask, people?"

Then he wouldn't be such a fucking douche bag, now would he? He'd demand equal rights for all, collective bargaining rights for all unions, and a permanent social safety net -- all at the expense of bullshit military spending. Oh, we'd still have a military....But WHAT A MILITARY!

Editor's Note: I didn't link to any American soldier dancing videos because, well, how can I put this without insulting our brave men and women in combat? Let's just say that we really need some gays in the military, if only to teach these guys how to dance.