Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The War on Necco

My fellow Americans, I'm here tonight to tell you that our country is under attack by the forces of all that is evil, powdery, and weird colors, including pale brown: Necco wafers. Led by CDP, a candy-coated dictator who possesses weapons of mass nostalgia, she seeks to impose her 60s-era confections on our way of life. Modern sugar-sources cannot abide this. We have hard evidence that CDP has sought pale yellow chalky powder from Africa to make more of this Necco substance.

The Necco Wafers, Mary Janes (indeed!), and Clark Bars form an axis of evil, and we are dedicated to defeating these evildoers wherever we find them. We will smoke them out of their holes; we will hunt them down and smoke them out. We will fight them over there, so we don't have to fight them over here. Of course--we will continue to try all diplomatic solutions to this crisis, my fellow Americans. However, we will not hesitate to resort to any and all means necessary to protect our freedoms and our way of life. They hate us for our freedom from chalky candy. But with Almond Joy, with Payday, with Smarties, with Sugar Babies, we will prevail.

May Hersheys bless us and guide us in our fight.

11 comments:

CDP said...

"a candy-coated dictator possessed of weapons of mass nostalgia"...oh holy Mother of God, I don't think I can top that.
I'm off to Niger for some more yellow powder. See to it that you don't drop the dime on any CIA agents, K?

Sorghum Crow said...

But, but, but, how will I shingle my gingerbread house?
Signed,
A. Witch

dguzman said...

I deny everything, and the emails are simply "missing."

FranIAm said...

Hey- its what the intelligence reports told us. We are coming after you CDP.

Dguzman, you are the best Secretary of State and VP (we downsized and she got two jobs) evah!

Dr. Zaius said...

Hmm... I suggest that you do not take the nuclear option off the table. Necco Wafers are notoriously impervious to conventional weapons.

Robert Rouse said...

I have it on good authority that someone attempted to coat an umbrella tip with Hershey's Kisses in an attempt to pop one in CDP's mouth. If this information is verified, I guarantee we will start loading our disk shooters with Wafers and come after you. And those things can sting!

dguzman said...

Fran, I agree with Defense Minister Zaius--no option can be taken off the table!

Rouse--We will not bow to your threats! Do your worst!

Randal Graves said...

Oh no. I hate Necco wafers but I like Clark bars. I am Switzerland! Anyone who wants to funnel their money to me, have at it!

Germaine Gregarious said...

Darlings! There is room at the table for all of us.

Chocolate truffle lovers and devotees of the necco wafer. Some of you even really love grandmeres madeleines and turkish delight.

I have made an offer of arbitration in the rumpus room.

Vive la difference!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Don't forget Bimbos! They are delicious.

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