My fellow Americans, I'm here tonight to tell you that our country is under attack by the forces of all that is evil, powdery, and weird colors, including pale brown: Necco wafers. Led by CDP, a candy-coated dictator who possesses weapons of mass nostalgia, she seeks to impose her 60s-era confections on our way of life. Modern sugar-sources cannot abide this. We have hard evidence that CDP has sought pale yellow chalky powder from Africa to make more of this Necco substance.
The Necco Wafers, Mary Janes (indeed!), and Clark Bars form an axis of evil, and we are dedicated to defeating these evildoers wherever we find them. We will smoke them out of their holes; we will hunt them down and smoke them out. We will fight them over there, so we don't have to fight them over here. Of course--we will continue to try all diplomatic solutions to this crisis, my fellow Americans. However, we will not hesitate to resort to any and all means necessary to protect our freedoms and our way of life. They hate us for our freedom from chalky candy. But with Almond Joy, with Payday, with Smarties, with Sugar Babies, we will prevail.
May Hersheys bless us and guide us in our fight.