I have to tell you that this movie scared the bejeesus out of me when I was a kid; I seem to remember him turning into some sort of giant snake or caterpillar or something, and I wigged out in the theatre and started crying. However, when someone (I can't even remember who) tagged me for the 7 Lies meme, this was the first thing I thought of. What follows are seven UNtrue things about me.
And now... Back to tonight's feature.
[Enter STAFF SERGEANT GUZMAN, U.S. AIR FORCE] Hello, you miserable recruits! You are the sorriest bunch of asswipes I've seen in my twenty-five years of service! My name is of no consequence to you--you will address me as MA'AM, YES MA'AM! Now open your ears and shut yer yaps! Drop and gimme 20! I love the Air Force! I love the Corporate States of America, and I'm proud to serve and die for my CEO-in-Chief, George W Bush! That man makes me proud to be an Amurkan! "Taps" is now being played so get in yer bunks and shut the hell up! [Exits.]
[Enter DGUZMAN, GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS] Hello, thaynk yew verah much for invahtin' me to speechify at this here barbecue! Me and mah momma, we wanna thaink yew fer votin' fer me, based on my ads on the teevee talkin' bout how religious Ah am. And Ah wanna tell ya, I LOVE JEEE-ZUS. Ah call him on mah cellphone ever'day to aisk him just what he would do 'bout ever' li'l thang that's goin' on in this here state. He told me to fry ever crim'nal, stop ever 'bortion, and only let 'em teach the Bahble's creation in the (whaddya call those classes? oh yeah) Science classes. And Ah believe in all them thangs! One hunnerd percint! Praise the Lord! Ever'body make shure to git yer free gun down at the front of the stage, okay, ya'll? Amen! [Exits.]
[Enter DCLEAVER, PROUD WIFE AND MOTHER] Good afternoon, ladies. I want to thank you for inviting me here to discuss the proper role of a wife and mother in this new century! First and foremost, we must all graciously submit to our husbands; Reverend Huckabee says that's the way to be, and I believe he knows best. After all, he is a man AND a man of God! Second, I believe that more women should stay home, avoid education at all costs, and be fruitful and multiply! Marriage, that blessed institution, is the union of a man and a woman, as God tells us in his holy book! Anyone who deviates -- and I stress the word DEVIATE! -- from this, our greatest mission in life, is bound to burn in the fires of hell! And yes, I'm talking about all those hairy-legged, bra-burning, man-hating lesbo college-going freaks! Now, ladies--do what God and our husbands intended us to do: go to your homes, prepare a bountiful meal for your husbands, and prepare to serve! [Exits.]
[Enter DGUZE, STONER] Hey, man... I'd like to tell you something but I'm so wasted I can't remember what it is! [Exits.]
[Enter DGUZMAN, EVEN-TEMPERED DRIVER] Ahhh, I so enjoy my time behind the wheel. Come along with me on a typical drive down America's highways. Oh, look over at the gentlemen to our right: he's eating his breakfast in the car! Now isn't that ingenius! Look how he's steering with his knee as he stirs his coffee and takes a bite of his Egg McMuffin all at once time! Incredible; I really admire his hand-eye coordination. And if you'll check the rearview mirror, you'll see a young college student, talking on her cellphone, zipping through her iPod selections, and running a stopsign. Way to multi-task, young woman! Oh, she just bent over while driving 65 mph to look through her purse! You go, girl! [Exits. In a fiery crash, that is.]
[Enter DED NUGENT, GUN LOVER] Yo America! Wango tango with the NRA, YEE-OW! Yeah! When it comes time to vote this year, remember to vote PRO-GUN, PRO-LIFE, PRO-DEATH PENALTY, PRO-CREATE, PRO-BUSINESS, PRO-FIT! Vote republican and you'll be able to shoot people in the street, bomb abortion clinics, and eat all the red meat Rush can feed ya! Cat-scratch fevah! Go out and shoot something! Yeah! [Exits.]
[Enter DGUZMAN, BUSINESSWOMAN] Good afternoon, future CEOs! If you want to be like me, roll up your sleeves and work for it! Yes, you too can learn to kiss the RIGHT asses, suck the RIGHT dicks, and sponge off the federal government's bailouts of big business! You only have to get into the RIGHT business! Faith-based, global, tax-exempt government contracting is where it's at! Just set up your Big Pharma, Insurance, Oil, Credit Card, "International Security" firms (hee hee, right Mr. Prince?), or--get into the most lucrative business of them all--POLITICS!
The End. We hope you enjoyed the show. Please use the trash receptacles at the exits, and come again soon.