Thursday, December 06, 2007

University of Utopia, Home of the Fightin' Librarians

Oh my, my, my, the fall semester draws to a close and I’m still trying to work out my course schedule for the spring! It’s not easy to work full-time and go to school, as I’m sure some of you know! What with the 8-hour J.O.B. getting in the way, I’ll be hard-pressed to take some of the fun classes in my major without getting a hold of Hermione Granger’s Timeturner so I can be in two places at once.

Speaking of Hermione Granger:
I realize she's probably like 18, but gees--the girl is hawt. Anyway....

I’ll give you a peek at some of the courses I’m looking at, courtesy of FranIAm’s tag from Aunt Dahlia. To quote FranSheIs, the purpose of this meme is as follows: “You must write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND- and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.” So I’ll start with the course I’d like to take from FranIAm University’s Real Life Curriculum Distance LearningTM:

How To Eat More and Weigh Less! No Exercise Edition!
This course is a must for me; I may have to use some Authorized Absence time to attend class, apply for a scholarship, or perhaps do work-study, but who cares? No prerequisites, other than an inability to say “no” to cookies, chips, soda, and empty-caloried liquor. Thank goodness my hours transfer from my old university!

Introduction to Corporate Politics
Feeling like you’ll never find a job that pays a real living wage unless you sell your soul to The Man? Don’t fret. This course will show you the ins and outs of learning how to “play the game” and “go along to get along” with “the good ole boys” in all facets of your job, yet still keep your progressive soul intact. The key? Stealth, my friends. Let’s face it; most of us have no clue how the most stupid people who watch Fox News and vote republican, kiss the boss’s ass, give 2-hour PowerPoint presentations on corporate goals, wear the required business dress uniform somehow always get promotions; most of them can’t even write a decent email! But based on my observations of the corporate world during a long and varied career, these are the skills you need to learn to fake in order to make enough money to both feed your family and contribute to all the charities that need our dollars. This course will teach you how to inconspicuously read other people’s documents at the printer so you find out what’s really happening at the management level, how to hypnotize managers to do your bidding (i.e. make well-reasoned and actually feasible business decisions), and how to smile-and-nod-smile-and-nod with the best of them!

Advanced Reading for Profit
In which we learn how to get paid for doing what comes naturally! All those hours spent reading blogs, mysteries, Harry Potter, gardening magazines, and the newspaper really can pay off once I’ve mastered the art of reading for profit. The Federal Department for Reading Comprehension grants alone can fund one’s addiction for years to come! Get paid for spotting spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors on public signage! This course can make the difference between just being an annoying know-it-all and being an annoying know-it-all for BANK.

How to Earn Prize Money Watching Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune on TV while Drinking Yuengling Lager and/or Grey Goose Dirty Martinis with 8 Olives
If I actually got prize money for all my correct answers and puzzle solutions on Jeopardy! and WoF, I could retire by now. Of course, I would never actually be ON the shows, but I would get paid all the same for every correct answer I shout while downing that second martini at Chumley’s downtown. In the second half of the semester, they’d have to cover the chapter on how to get paid for other people’s correct answers too, because that drunk guy next to me always knows more geography and history than I do and even when he’s sloshed, he can still shout out his answers faster. This course can be taken concurrently with Advanced Concepts of Completing NYT Crossword Puzzles, which for me, I’m proud to say, would be a blow-off course (except on some Saturdays, when the puzzles are really tough).

Blogging: Philosophy and Practice (with Lab)
This course would be the highlight of my day, because all my bloggy heroes—D-cap, D-cup, FranSheIs, Jess Wundrun, Matty Boy, Princess Sparkle Pony, Dr Monkey, Splotchy, Whiskey Marie, GetKristiLove, VikkiTikkiTavi, and everyone else whose blogs I love would also be enrolled in the class! The Lab would be wall-to-wall laptops with WiFi of course, and a few TVs on all the classic content-inspiring channels – CNN, Discovery, Animal Planet, Faux “News” Channel, Style Network, E Entertainment, etc. Talking, food, and fellowship required!

Between this and my second calculus course, I'll be one busy bee next semester....

I hereby request detailed course curricula from the following professors:
Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein
Whiskey Marie, PhD
Mary Ellen, the Divine Democrat


FranIAm said...

YOU DID GREAT! And so fast too. Wow, where do I sign up?

dguzman said...

It's amazing what you can do when your job is glorified data entry. Really frees up the time, you know?

Mary Ellen said...

Thanks for the tag, dguzman! I was wondering what I was going to do for a post tomorrow...this will be it. Now I have to get my professor thinking cap on and get creative...well, maybe I'll have a few glasses of wine, I always get creative then. ;-)

dguzman said...

Sweet, ME--looking forward to it.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Thanks for the tag and more importantly thanks for The Emma Watson picture. It's good to know that I'm not the only dirty old man/woman who has fantasies of her. I'll hop on the meme soon.

Randal Graves said...

Get paid simply by reading? Now that is a class I could love.

As for Emma, she doesn't turn 18 until next tax day. Then I'll officially be able to drool and not feel like a Dirty Old Man. ;-)

dguzman said...

Glad to know I'm not the only dirty old woman/man too! It's terrible, I know, but she's just grown into such a hottie! I'll do like Randal and try to control my drooling until her next b-day.

Randal Graves said...

By all means, drool, just do it behind closed doors. :)

dguzman said...

Well of course, Randal!

Mary Ellen said...

Ok dguzman, the deed is done.