Friday, December 14, 2007

Fun with Spam

I work in a pretty large company, and as a result, I receive two or three of those "chain-email" Spams every day from well-intentioned coworkers. Some don't bother me (when they have links to games, etc.) but the religious ones tend to grate on my nerves, as I'm a non-believer and don't appreciate being told about the power of prayer, the watchfulness of angels, etc.

I got one of these emails the other day, and I thought I'd share MY version of it with you. But be forewarned, if you take this Jesus-is-the-reason-for-the-season seriously and have no sense of humor about it -- well, perhaps you should not read this.

Why Jesus is better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS has a cool pad in the Gaza Strip! …Oh wait…

Santa rides in a sleigh ..
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water. He leaps tall buildings in a single bound, and he don’t take no shit from you, asshole.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is celibate, thank you.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs, and I bet he even offers free shipping at Christmas.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ..
JESUS might be a little creeped out by the breaking and entering thing.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as Mike Fuckabee’s cellphone.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms, he’s got the whole world in his hands, and he is the wind beneath my wings... Oh, sorry, got carried away there.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we were born.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too.
He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads. He’s even reading your email right now. But that’s because the Patriot Act allows his favorite commander guy George W Bush to collect all that information without your knowledge. Bet that makes you feel all safe and secure, doesn’t it? Of course it does.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has always worked out and has a six-pack.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS would never call anyone a ho.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "I’ll give you somethin’ to cry about!” when he’s in a bad mood. And let’s face it, humans are enough to put even Jesus into a bad mood, so shut the hell up with your whining.

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions. Too bad you commie atheist America-hating liberals can’t afford those mansions! You can just live out in the cold, you unpatriotic traitors!

Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy by telling some really kick-ass knock-knock jokes.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS is kinda sorta in baby form at that time of year, so you better hope Santa doesn’t get pissed off by this little list, or it’s coal for your sorry ass. REMEMBER: We need to keep Christ in CHRISTmas.... Otherwise, it’s misspelled, although “Xmas” is acceptable in informal writing.

4 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Great job. I never realized Jesus was sooo cool.

Randal Graves said...

You are going to burn in the filthiest, most infernal pit of the flamingest hell of smoke and fire and giant, six-headed monsters that breathe and shit fire.

dguzman said...

That Jesus is a cool dude.

Yikes, Randal!

FranIAm said...

BTW, Jesus was way more West Bank than Gaza, but then that's just nitpicking at this point, isn't it???

This is very funny!