A peek into the mind of Rudy Jewels

So I’m running for president now, heh heh. I figure it should be almost as easy as running New York City. I mean, I single-handedly got NYC through 9/11, didn’t I? (Didn’t I? Did I? Oh what the fuck, of course I did.)

Yeah, running the world will be a snap. Now all I need to do is show my credentials. When people find out how qualified I am, I’ll beat that Hillary bitch into the fucking ground! Let’s see…
1. Experience—check! I was the mayor a New York City! Scoreboard! Some people say I didn’t learn a damned thing from the 1993 WTC bombing, but I sure as hell did. I bought a bunch more walkie talkies, and I put the emergency management team RIGHT IN THE BUILDING! So our response time could be, like, seconds, not minutes! I was there practically the whole damned time, too. And I did all the photo ops and everything with Bernie and Bush. People love me!

What’s that? What do you mean, “foreign policy experience”? Hello, read my lips: NINE-ELEVEN. How much more foreign can you get?

2. Family values—now here’s where I REALLY shine.

I have like five families, people! And I’m always looking to dump the wife for a new one! I totally know how to do that family, wife, and marriage thing. I’m a lock on this one too!

4. Endorsements—Hmmm. Well. Let me make a few calls first… Okay! Check THIS out, people: Pat friggin’ Robertson! He’s on my side now! All I had to do was say that I wore that dress, said I was pro-choice, and supported gay rights way back when because I did it for MONEY and for votes! He totally understood when I told him that; he knows how it is when you need to get the dollars out of the wallets. Look how we’re pals:
And check me out—here I am praying for Big Business—see how Jesus-y I am?

Man, I can’t wait to be president. Think of it! Judy—or Sally—or Betty—oh whatever the hell her name is—my current wife will be able to do a lot of redecorating, which ought to keep her occupied while I go out and find wife#4. What? Well, OF COURSE I’ll be trading her in for a younger model—she was my Mayor wife! I’ll need a President wife, someone who will be worthy of me when I’m the emperor of the world!

I could find some juicy sweet strawberry like this one:

Or I could find a battle-ax mother figure; that’s worked in the past too:
Ugh--maybe not. Anyway, I’ll pretty much be able to bag anyone when I’m the emperor. Hell, I’ll be able to do whatever I want, thanks to that idiot Bush’s flushing the Constitution down the toilet.

Say hello to my little friend: Bernie Kerik!

It'll be just like Scarface: "First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women." I’ll have all of that and more.

What's my first move as president, you ask? Easy:

BOOM BOOM BOOM, baby! Then here’s what the Middle East will look like:OIL CITY! You think I didn’t learn from watching Bush that it’s all about oil? Sheeeit, mama didn’t raise no fool, people.