Holy shit, W's gone completely batshit crazy. Why all the scat in that lede? Because according to Carver, a diarist at Kos, Chimpy's got some very crazy-ass "security precautions" for (get this) his feces. Here's the original link to Daily Kos, courtesy of brilliant commenter The Cunning Runt at I Can't Believe It's Not a Democracy!

You'll remember the hilarity that ensued when The Smoking Gun got a hold of Cheney's pre-hotel-stay checklist, which included TVs set on Fox "News" Channel, Diet Sprite, and thermostats on 68 degrees? Well, we now have word of Chimpy's freakshow demands.

Somehow, the Austrian newspapers got a hold of W's protocols when Chimpy last went to Vienna (no doubt he asked for some of those yummy little sausages everywhere he went). Seems they have some "security" personnel in charge of collecting McStagger's feces and urine. Yes, the doody that comes out of his bu-bu (I don't know whether they collect that which comes out of his mouth), and the wee that comes out of his wee-wee.

He also has people who test his food for toxins, using certain chemicals (according to the story). Paranoid much, Chimpy?

Plenty of people are commenting on this -er-situation, including a hilarious one by my bloggy hero Distributorcap asking whether they capture W's farts in a jar (pure gold, that one). But what I want to know is this:

What are Cheney's poop and piss (and God knows what other bodily emanations) protocols?

The mind reels...

Just in time for Holiday Gift-Giving

Only $9.95. In stores now!

University of Utopia, Home of the Fightin' Librarians

Oh my, my, my, the fall semester draws to a close and I’m still trying to work out my course schedule for the spring! It’s not easy to work full-time and go to school, as I’m sure some of you know! What with the 8-hour J.O.B. getting in the way, I’ll be hard-pressed to take some of the fun classes in my major without getting a hold of Hermione Granger’s Timeturner so I can be in two places at once.


Speaking of Hermione Granger:
I realize she's probably like 18, but gees--the girl is hawt. Anyway....

I’ll give you a peek at some of the courses I’m looking at, courtesy of FranIAm’s tag from Aunt Dahlia. To quote FranSheIs, the purpose of this meme is as follows: “You must write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND- and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.” So I’ll start with the course I’d like to take from FranIAm University’s Real Life Curriculum Distance LearningTM:

How To Eat More and Weigh Less! No Exercise Edition!
This course is a must for me; I may have to use some Authorized Absence time to attend class, apply for a scholarship, or perhaps do work-study, but who cares? No prerequisites, other than an inability to say “no” to cookies, chips, soda, and empty-caloried liquor. Thank goodness my hours transfer from my old university!

Introduction to Corporate Politics
Feeling like you’ll never find a job that pays a real living wage unless you sell your soul to The Man? Don’t fret. This course will show you the ins and outs of learning how to “play the game” and “go along to get along” with “the good ole boys” in all facets of your job, yet still keep your progressive soul intact. The key? Stealth, my friends. Let’s face it; most of us have no clue how the most stupid people who watch Fox News and vote republican, kiss the boss’s ass, give 2-hour PowerPoint presentations on corporate goals, wear the required business dress uniform somehow always get promotions; most of them can’t even write a decent email! But based on my observations of the corporate world during a long and varied career, these are the skills you need to learn to fake in order to make enough money to both feed your family and contribute to all the charities that need our dollars. This course will teach you how to inconspicuously read other people’s documents at the printer so you find out what’s really happening at the management level, how to hypnotize managers to do your bidding (i.e. make well-reasoned and actually feasible business decisions), and how to smile-and-nod-smile-and-nod with the best of them!

Advanced Reading for Profit
In which we learn how to get paid for doing what comes naturally! All those hours spent reading blogs, mysteries, Harry Potter, gardening magazines, and the newspaper really can pay off once I’ve mastered the art of reading for profit. The Federal Department for Reading Comprehension grants alone can fund one’s Amazon.com addiction for years to come! Get paid for spotting spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors on public signage! This course can make the difference between just being an annoying know-it-all and being an annoying know-it-all for BANK.

How to Earn Prize Money Watching Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune on TV while Drinking Yuengling Lager and/or Grey Goose Dirty Martinis with 8 Olives
If I actually got prize money for all my correct answers and puzzle solutions on Jeopardy! and WoF, I could retire by now. Of course, I would never actually be ON the shows, but I would get paid all the same for every correct answer I shout while downing that second martini at Chumley’s downtown. In the second half of the semester, they’d have to cover the chapter on how to get paid for other people’s correct answers too, because that drunk guy next to me always knows more geography and history than I do and even when he’s sloshed, he can still shout out his answers faster. This course can be taken concurrently with Advanced Concepts of Completing NYT Crossword Puzzles, which for me, I’m proud to say, would be a blow-off course (except on some Saturdays, when the puzzles are really tough).

Blogging: Philosophy and Practice (with Lab)
This course would be the highlight of my day, because all my bloggy heroes—D-cap, D-cup, FranSheIs, Jess Wundrun, Matty Boy, Princess Sparkle Pony, Dr Monkey, Splotchy, Whiskey Marie, GetKristiLove, VikkiTikkiTavi, and everyone else whose blogs I love would also be enrolled in the class! The Lab would be wall-to-wall laptops with WiFi of course, and a few TVs on all the classic content-inspiring channels – CNN, Discovery, Animal Planet, Faux “News” Channel, Style Network, E Entertainment, etc. Talking, food, and fellowship required!

Between this and my second calculus course, I'll be one busy bee next semester....

I hereby request detailed course curricula from the following professors:
Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein
Whiskey Marie, PhD
Mary Ellen, the Divine Democrat

Why I like Joe Biden

Joe and Jill Biden--she's cute!

One thing's for sure: Joe Biden can come up with some great lines when the press is in his face.

Exhibit A: during an MSNBC dems debate, Biden says this about Rudy Jewels:

"There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11. There's nothing else! There's nothing else! And I mean this sincerely. He's genuinely not qualified to be president."

ZING! Take that, Rudy!

Exhibit B: his response to Bush's claims that he didn't know what the NIE was going to reveal; just that McConnell had told him there was something big in it--so he hasn't been lying for the last eight months about Iran. Biden's reaction:

"Are you telling me a president who is briefed every single morning, who is fixated on Iran, is not told back in August that the tentative conclusion of 16 intelligence agencies in the United States government said they had abandoned their effort for a nuclear weapon in ’03?” Biden said in a conference call with reporters.
“That’s not believable,” Biden added. “I refuse to believe that. If that’s true, he has the most incompetent staff in … modern American history and he’s one of the most incompetent presidents in modern American history.”

Amen, Joe. Tell it like it is!

If she hasn't already thought about it, Hillary Clinton might want to consider offering the VP spot to Biden (can you tell I'm convinced that she'll be nominee? And if she is, I'll vote for her).

At least then she'd have ONE honest person on the ticket.

Carolina Wren

So I've been tagged by math genius and all-around hottie Matty Boy for this iPod music meme thing I've seen going around. I don't own an iPod, though, so all I have here at work is the few random CDs and a couple of prolly illegal I, Splotchy and Cup of Coffey downloads I've loaded onto my Windows Player. My results will be pretty lame and might bore you to tears, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice . . . tee hee!

Da roolz:
1. Put your music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT

MattyBoy says that's in caps because it's IMPORTANT! so here we go--you'll get what Player gives ya.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? California, Joni Mitchell

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Song Sparrow, Lang Elliott (from my "Music of the Birds" CD)
UPDATE!--Lang Elliott used to work at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, and he's a big-time bird guy. He does recordings of actual bird songs and puts them together on CDs (and usually an accompanying book with text about and photos of the birds).

I tried to put up the intro/first track from "Music of the Birds" up here, but I don't know how to upload it. Here, however, is a link to a photo and recording of one of my favorite bird songs, that of the wood thrush.

I wish I could load the intro to his CD, though, because you should hear how he talks--it's just the funniest, dorkiest, but cutest thing you'll hear all day! First thing--here's his photo:

Now imagine him saying, in a funny little old guy voice, like Mr. Rogers only not so gay: "Hi Friends. This is Lang Elliott. Welcome to the audio portion of Music of the Birds." It sounds like "Music of the Burds." It's so cute! Anyway--back to our previously scheduled programming.

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Nothing Can Come Between Us, Sade

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Common Yellowthroat (typical and flight songs), Lang Elliott

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? Nothing Compares 2U, Sinead O'Connor

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Lark Sparrow, Lang Elliott (god, I'm a dork)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Red-eyed Vireo, Lang Elliott (indeed!)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? 'Tis of Thee, Ani DiFranco

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Kid, The Pretenders

10. WHAT IS 2+2? Acadian Flycatcher, Lang Elliott (sounds like "pizza! pizza!")

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Ghost, Indigo Girls (that's kinda scary)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Eastern Wood-Pewee, Lang Elliott

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Brown-headed Cowbird (male and female calls), Lang Elliott

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Silver Springs, Fleetwood Mac

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Black-capped Chickadee, Lang Elliott

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Savannah Sparrow, Lang Elliott (so accurate, you know?)

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? House Finch (extended courting song), Lang Elliott (wow!)

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? No Ordinary Love, Sade

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Hello Birmingham, Ani DiFranco

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? What Child is This?, Vince Guaraldi Trio

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? All That You Have Is Your Soul, Tracy Chapman

22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? Carolina Wren, Lang Elliott

See, cool people like Matty Boy have Elvis Costello, or opera, or They Might Be Giants on their music players. People like me have bird songs and some very old lesbian favorites. Sheesh.

Splotchy made me do it

Here's the translation of the ROT13 coded post; Splotchy made me do it!

Doin' what I'm told

I'm kinda wiggin' about a post at Pharyngula today. I'm not a religious person, nor do I really believe in God, but I don't believe that everyone who does believe in God is stupid. But he kinda does. Still, read the post not for that, but for the link to a new poll that shows that more people believe in the literal existence of a hell and the devil than believe in natural selection. This country is going down the fucking tubes in an intelligently designed basket.

I've been discussing this post a bit offline with the lovely and intelligent FranIAm, a person who proves that not all people of faith are morons or a-holes. I don't doubt that some people's version of religion has only served to mask their corruption and true inner evil, and I also agree that it's sad when more people believe in hell and the little red-tailed, horned guy who supposedly lives there than believe in Darwin's theory of natural selection. That's just scary. But to condemn all religion and all religious people is going too far.

Just sayin'.

Qbva' jung V'z gbyq

V'z xvaqn jvttva nobhg n cbfg ng Cunelathyn gbqnl. V'z abg n eryvtvbhf crefba, abe qb V ernyyl oryvrir va Tbq, ohg V qba'g oryvrir gung rirelbar jub qbrf oryvrir va Tbq vf fghcvq. Ohg ur xvaqn qbrf. Fgvyy, ernq gur cbfg abg sbe gung, ohg sbe gur yvax gb n arj cbyy gung fubjf gung zber crbcyr oryvrir va gur yvgreny rkvfgrapr bs n uryy naq gur qrivy guna oryvrir va angheny fryrpgvba. Guvf pbhagel vf tbvat qbja gur shpxvat ghorf va na vagryyvtragyl qrfvtarq onfxrg.

Line of the day

I was over at Talking Points Memo (which is doing a great job of covering the latest about Giuliani's moneygrubbing and indiscretions while mayor, BTW) and followed a link to a NYT story about some retired generals who've written a letter to Congress urging them to repeal the idiotic "Don't Ask-Don't Tell" law.

Bein' gay and all, I've read a lot about this particular issue, and it's long been reported that most military brass think gays in the military are not a problem. Several times in the late great Randy Shilts' Conduct Unbecoming, he quotes officers saying that they're surprised the ban on gays is still standing. So now some retired brass are asking that the ban be lifted.

But all this isn't the line of the day---no, that honor goes to the tiny-but-perfectly-formed Secretary of State Robert Gates. The line was actually delivered a while back when Gatesy was defending Gen. Peter Pace's remarks about teh gay thing being "immoral." But the NYT recycled it, and it bears spotlighting now.

Are you ready for it?

“Personal opinion really doesn’t have a place here,” Defense Secretary Robert M.
Gates said in March. “What’s important is that we have a law.”

Now THIS is rich. A high-ranking official in the most blatantly lawless, selfishly motivated rogue administration ever is talking about how "important" it is that "we have a law" and that "personal opinion" shouldn't even be considered. Mr. Gates, you'd do well to remind your superiors up in the White House of this fact, next time Bush says he feels it's the right time to bomb another sovereign nation.

Just sayin'.

Grooming update!

I got a picture of the Mangroomer!

Yes, folks, for only $39.99 you too can groom your man!

Now, reviewing the comments on the previous Info Needed post, Dr. Monkey said no one should ever buy this thing for a guy, but Dcap in NY says all men secretly groom -- seems to me that they'd need these devices to get the job done! After all, Matty Boy and millions of others are looking for an alternative to those scary little scissors, right?

So now that you've seen the Mangroomer (told you it looked like a giant Trac II), what do you think?

The finality of it all

Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein's Carl the Condom post made me put into words what I've been feeling for the last seven years:

Bill Clinton fucked one intern. He was impeached.
George Bush is fucking the whole world on a daily basis. He's still in office with no end in sight.

The world will never be the same.

Info needed

I was looking through a catalog from Bed, Bath, and BEYOND-OND-OND-OND! just now, as a coworker and I were discussing what to get my cool boss for xmas, when I came across an item called a MANGROOMER, a "do-it-yourself electric back hair shaver" that basically looks like a an oversized Trac II with a super-long handle. Probably everyone's seen or heard of this thing --I don't have TV, so I don't get to see this stuff unless it's just by chance. I couldn't find a pic online or I'd grace you with that -- suffice it to say that, thankfully, the guy in the ad seems to have just finished shaving whatever might've been growing back there.

1. Do guys really use things like the Mangroomer, mustache trimmers, or ear and nose hair trimmers?

2. If guys do use these things, do they buy them for themselves, or do they wait for a frustrated (disgusted?) spouse or significant other to gift it to them?

3. If guys don't admit to using them or buying them, then why the hell are there so many different kinds?

Atheist's prayer's answered; God real?

Photo Credit: Gerald Martineau - The Washington Post

YES YES YES!!!! I'd been commenting yesterday around the blogosphere on various posts about Old Trent Lott's sudden resignation, saying things like "Oh, please, let there be a toetapping bathroom scandal!" But this is possibly even BETTER. Thanks to Jess Wundrun, who linked to Mock, Paper, Scissors, who linked to Larry Flint, who linked to PageOneQ! (yes, my clicking finger is tired)

Now, I don't want to go counting my chickens before they dance at the Chicken Ranch, but even the possibility of Trent's being in the Toe-Tapping ClubTM makes me shiver with delight!

So let's review the present status of the Singing Senators, L-R:
1. Trent "The Throat" Lott: possibly purchased the services of male escort--juicy details to surface quickly, I'm sure!

2. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig: still in denial, but the truth is out there. Note the way he's eyeing his microphone.

3. John "Let the Eagle Soar" Ashcroft: harassed by Gonzo to approved illegal govt spying while in his hospital bed. No toe-tapping (that we know of).

4. Jim Jeffords: party-switcher from repub to independent. Who knows?

Yikes. Think of all the repub senators out there, thanking their lucky stars that they're tone-deaf.

Sweet schadenfreude, it's getting nearly impossible to keep up with the repub scandals these days, whether money-related (Ted Stevens, Duke Cunningham, et al.) or sex-related (practically every repub in the senate). But you know, none of these scandals would outrage me if they weren't perpetrated by these members of the "party of family values" and "fiscal conservatives" and "moral majority" and anti-gay measures and all the other bullshite these repubs claim to live by. It's the hypocrisy that gets me. I mean, I don't care if Trent Lott's doin' the boy next door; just don't go saying stuff about homosexuality like this:

"It is [a sin]....You should try to show them a way to deal with that problem, just like alcohol ... or sex addiction ... or kleptomaniacs." - Senate Republican Leader Trent Lott, Associated Press, June 15, 1998.

I feel nothing but glee at the way these bastidds are bringing down their seemingly bullet-proof party.

Now--for the rest of that post headline: I may need input from my Catholic pal FranIAm, but when an atheist like me hopes and prays for something to happen, and then it happens, does that atheist have to start believing? Please advise.

It's official: we're all screwed, forever

As always, Josh Marshall and his team at Talking Points Memo cover this story from all the angles. I'm no geometry whiz, but from all the angles I've seen, we're screwed, folks:

White House Releases "Principles" for Permanent Iraqi Presence
By Spencer Ackerman - November 26, 2007, 11:12AM

So it begins. After years of obfuscation and denial on the length of the
U.S.'s stay in Iraq, the White House and the Maliki government have released
a joint declaration of "principles" for "friendship and cooperation."
Apparently President Bush and Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki signed the
declaration during a morning teleconference.

Naturally, the declaration is euphemistic, and doesn't refer explicitly to any U.S. military presence.
-- Iraq's leaders have asked for an enduring relationship with America, and we seek an enduring relationship with a democratic Iraq. We are ready to build that relationship in a sustainable way that protects our mutual interests, promotes regional stability, and requires fewer Coalition forces.
-- In response, this Declaration is the first step in a three-step process that will normalize U.S.-Iraqi relations in a way which is consistent with Iraq's sovereignty and will help Iraq regain its rightful status in the international community – something both we and the Iraqis seek. The second step is the renewal of the Multinational Force-Iraq's Chapter VII United Nations mandate for a final year, followed by the third step, the negotiation of the detailed arrangements that will codify our bilateral relationship after the Chapter VII mandate expires.

Doesn't this kind of thing need congressional approval? or even their input? Or is it sufficiently vague, with terms like "enduring relationship" instead of something more realistic like "permanent military bases," to merely guarantee that Mr. Nation-Builder-Chimpy-Commander-Guy (or anyone of like mind who steals the presidency in the future) can just basically do what he wants, when he wants?

Note that the agreement in the first point mentions the requirement of "fewer Coalition forces," which on its face sounds like great news, yet in the next point extends the "Multinational Force-Iraq's ... relationship" even after the mandate expires. In other words, indefinitely. As long as Chimpy likes. As long as Halliburton is making billions. As long as Eric Prince and his mercenaries feel like getting drunk and shooting people at random.

How far has our democracy spun out of control when these idiots can make their little backroom deals with zero input from the American people or the Congress we elected to represent our viewpoints? Do we, as citizens, even matter to this government? For the rest of this illegitimate presidency, will anyone in BushCo even bother to pretend that what the American people want is important? A majority of Americans wants this war OVER. Yet now, we're even farther from seeing that happen than we were before.

Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse, it did.

Previews of coming attractions

Transcript of last night's interview of W by Charlie Gibson on ABC:

GIBSON: Mr. President, let me start with foreign policy. Did you put too much faith in Pervez Musharraf?
BUSH: He’s been a loyal ally in fighting terrorists. He’s also advanced democracy in Pakistan. So far, I’ve found him to be a man of his word. The fundamental question I have for President Musharraf is, will these elections be under emergency law? Because if they are, it’s going to be hard for those of us who have believed he’s advanced Pakistan’s democracy to say that’s still the case.
GIBSON: Is there a line he cannot cross in your mind? Something that would go too far, when you might say to yourself, okay, that’s enough?
BUSH: He hasn’t crossed the line. As a matter of fact, I don’t think that he will cross any lines. Today I thought it was a pretty good signal that he released thousands of people from the jails.

Okay, wow. Where to begin?

First, read Randal's excellent post.

Then call all your family members together (it's convenient that tomorrow is Thanxgiving, no?) and tell them you'll probably need to go into hiding soon. Don't be too specific about the reason or your hide-out's location, but at least give them a mail-drop site--like "under the big rock at the corner of Rte 45 and Kline Road"--that way they can communicate with you.

Next, gather all the nonperishables, liquor, and water you can. Start storing it in your secret underground location, making sure that no one follows you! Remember--anyone you bring along will want your food, booze, and water too--that's less for you!

Learn Morse code so you can tap out signals to people in the other cells at Gitmo (this is just in case, okay?).

Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your food coma.

Thanks for sharing with me a great two years of impeachment and other dreams. Let's just hope impeachment becomes a reality some day soon.

*sniffle!*

These kittens adopted this bunny as their mommy. Read the whole story at BBC. Look at those sweet little babies and their new disapproving mommy!

Thanks to Birdchick for the link.

I try my hand at handwriting analysis

I've mentioned before that I'm working on a degree in forensic science and I'm hoping to one day work in a crime lab. However, I'm just not sure I'd be able to handle a dead body in the field, so I'm trying to explore other options--toolmarks examination, questioned documents, even handwriting analysis. There are tons of books on this last area of expertise, so I've been reading about the finer points of looking at handwriting samples for comparison, probable state of mind, and so forth.

I’m sure many of you have seen this handwriting comparison of Richard Nixon’s signatures right after his election in 1968, in 1969, in early 1974, and then again in late 1974, when everything had pretty much gone into the crapper for him. Six years of corruption, lying, manipulating, and lawbreaking could turn one’s John Hancock from a once-legible signature to a shaky line.

The “official” interpretation by a handwriting expert was that the 1974 illegible signature expressed Nixon’s “avoidance of the present, and inability to take a stand.” With all he was going through, it's not much of a stretch to think he might've wanted to avoid his present situation back then.

So I thought it would be interesting to look at Chimpy’s signature. Here are signatures from a reading certificate Chimpy signed in 2000 while still governor of Texas, his signature in 2006 on some NASCAR racing car’s hood, and his signature on his latest veto:

What do you think?

A Thanksgiving Message from Commander Guy

This here's yer preznit, George Dubya Bush, and I'm takin' time away from clearin' brush at mah ranch back in Crawford, Texas, to show you how much Ah care about the Murikan people.

Let 'em eat BEANS! Heh heh heh. Here Ah am, posing at a food bank in some place in Virginny. You cain't read the sign behind me, but it says, "they shall go hungry 'long as Ah'm in charge!" Because see, I'm a war preznit. I wake up with war on mah mind. I don't have time to worry about what's happenin' here in Murika, because if Ah do, the terrah-ists win! Besides, Ol' Dick told me the economy's boomin'. That's 'cause I'm a successful bidnessman. All you have to do is look at the profit statements for Halliburton and Blackwater to know that. Heh heh.

Hell, I even pardoned two turkeys --

They'll be goin' to Disneyland instead of to the big house. Nice turkey, nice turkey. Heh heh. We'll set you up with a nice allowance since you took the rap for Big Dick. Heh heh.

So y'all give thanks, because Ah'm the decider and Ah decided you better be thankful.

Yes, master, I hear and obey

Hear and obey, bloggers!
All bloggers must link to the Splotchy.
Do as the master commands!

Everyday Stuff I Psychotically Love

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of rantin’ here lately, and this morning has been extra-hilarious, so I’ve decided to share the mirth by focusing on Everyday Stuff I Psychotically Love:

1. a bag of Crunchy Cheetos mixed with a bag of Nacho-flavored Doritos. Friends, the mingling of these disparate “cheese” essenses makes for a veritable symphony of “cheese”-flavored goodness! I invented this mix in college, and it’s still a favorite 25 years later (and I have the hips and flabby tummy to prove it).

2. when people see Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary in some sort of food. Just this morning, the Fox “News” team was doing a story on some crazy-ass lady who made a pancake and noticed Jesus and Mary, standing side by side, with halos (of course), and (I quote what the Fox guy said) “wearing desert clothing.” I guess that burnt part is the desert clothing?

This makes several of these holy-person-on-food items I’ve heard of--including a tortilla, a grilled cheese sandwich, chocolate drippings, and a pretzel--but there are tons more! This lady with the pancake claimed the image was a sign from her father, who died of cancer last year; she sold the pancake on eBay for about $300.

3. Pentel’s Quicker Clicker .7mm mechanical pencils. When you’re down and out, sitting in your math class wishing you were dead, your mind fried from trying to understand Riemann sums and their roles in calculating integrals, nothing cheers you up like advancing your pencil lead without having to move your hand from the barrel of the pencil. These babies come in transparent blue, violet, and gray; my personal preference is the blue, but hey—the gray is just as good (the violet is just wrong). The erasers on these pencils are also top-notch, capable of erasing even the most careless of sign errors, mis-calculated squares, and backward lesser-than/greater-than signs.

Sorry, Matty-boy!

4. people-watching, and related activities. One of my absolute all-time favorite pastimes, especially when The Kat and The Kid and I make up imaginary conversations between people we’re sitting next to in restaurants. Lest you think we're cruel, I can tell you we only do this when people are talking way too fecking loud in a public place. Keep your conversations to yourselves, folks! Anyway, our fake convos usually range from one person telling the other person the same bad knock-knock joke, over and over (that’s solid gold for The Kid), to wide-ranging discussions about romance, world politics, strange and embarrassing diseases, and table manners.

5. Wegman’s Aqua Italian mineral water with a ton of lime juice in it. It’s the nectar of the gods, especially when you mix in a splash of gin. So refreshing! In a pinch, I'll get Pellegrino, or even Polar Spring, but Wegman's is really the best. I am also saving my empty bottles, because they're a beautiful blue glass; I plan to cut off the bottoms and make them into pendant lighting! Erm, it may or may not happen....

So--what are a few of your favorite things?