Thursday, April 16, 2009

When hedlines and ledes induce projectile vomiting

Case 1:
Hedline: Ex-Bush official says waterboarding is torture
Lede: A former No. 2 State Department official in the Bush administration says he would have resigned if he had known the CIA was subjecting terrorism suspects to waterboarding, an interrogation technique that simulates drowning.
Everyone and their dog knew that (a) the Bush administration approved of torture, and (b) the CIA was doing it. But now, years after the fact, Armitage comes out and claims he didn't know? What the hell was he doing when he was in office, playing online Scrabble and FreeCell? Moreover, he claims that if he had known, he would've resigned in protest--like a good patriot! Give me a fucking break. It's always easy to say "I knew that!" after Alex Trebek gives the answer on Jeopardy. I'd say the same principle is in operation here. I have to wonder if he's heard some rumor of pending indictments coming from the Hague or something, and he's trying to distance himself from his part in the war crimes.

Case 2:
Hedline: Lehman Bros. sitting on a stockpile of uranium 'yellowcake'
Lede: The rump of the bankrupt bank Lehman Brothers is sitting on a stockpile of 450,000 lb of uranium "yellowcake" which could be used to power a nuclear reactor or, theoretically, to make a bomb.
The word "yellowcake" will forever remind me of Chimpy's lies regarding Saddam Hussein and his non-existent WMDs, Colin Powell's lies at the UN, and Cheney's lies (that he's STILL telling) about Hussein's WMDs. So not only was all that "Saddam has yellowcake (and tubes, don't forget the tubes!)" and the whole war nothing but dried-out fly-shit, but fucking LEHMAN BROS.--benefactors of god only knows how many of our tax dollars--fucking Lehman Bros. are the ones with the goddamned yellowcake! Even worse, "Liquidators have been trying to offload the stuff for months. But the price of uranium has been dropping steadily, leaving Lehman's yellowcake languishing in a variety of secure storage facilities, some of which are in Canada." WHAT THE FUCK!? To whom exactly have they been trying to "offload" this stuff? And just how "secure" are these facilities where it's being kept? I swear to you: if we find out in a few years that some wacko got some Lehman Bros. yellowcake, built a bomb, and nuked a NYC subway, I think I'm gonna spontaneously combust. I'm serious. It's this kind of shit that happens every damned day, thanks to Chimpy.

Case 3:
Hedline: Fox News’s ‘coverage’ of tea parties: 23 segments, 73 on-air promos in eight days.
Lede: As ThinkProgress has documented, Fox News has aggressively promoted today’s conservative, anti-Obama tea parties.
ThinkProgress has the right idea here with their punctuation. I'd like to hereby declare the start of what I hope will become a national movement to put the "news" in Faux Nooz in quotation marks (or in an alternate spelling). They don't present news. They aren't a news network. They're not "fair and balanced." They're merely the unbelievably loud microphone for radical reich-wing morons and the corporatocracy, a tool for mass hynosis of the American public. Period.

8 comments:

Randal Graves said...

I think you made all of this up and I, for one, will not stand for this affront against our media stalwarts.

Germaine Gregarious said...

I have few things that I would like to teach Richard Armitage about torture. On the other hand, I would love to get my hands on a large quantity of uranium! For strictly medicinal purposes, of course. (And also to build a giant Death Ray!)

dguzman said...

Randal--you caught me. Guess I'll be at Gitmo for the next few years....

Germaine--YES!

Liberality said...

I can't believe how many people in my family and in-laws watch and BELIEVE this crap put out there. They want to be stupid is what I'm thinking.

dguzman said...

Liberality--but we all grew up being conditioned to believe everything we see on any program called "News." Still--it's about time we all woke up from that fantasy.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Armitage is an ass. He's the guy who leaked Valerie Plame, which he apparently didn't mean to do either.

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