Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Pick-a-mix: Repug VP candidate shuffle!

It's getting close -- we'll be voting in the presidential election in less than six months! It's almost time for Mittens to make the biggest choice of his life: his veep! The guy who will run alongside him, serve as his attack dog, stand there and look interested during speeches, and pretty much do the dirty work.

Let's scope out the contenders for our little Mittens:

1. The hispanic angle: ¡Si Si Señor! Pick Marco "but my feelings aren't hurt!"Rubio and dozens of clueless hispanic republicans (you'd have to be clueless to be hispanic and vote republican) will vote for you, Mitéo! Sure, tiene sólo diez años, but you could use a little youth on the ticket! And he's definitely a little youth! (Badabing! I'm here all week!)

2. Plenty of Pawlenty! Yes, Tim Pawlenty is actually still alive and some people think he could bring Mitt a vote or three. Admittedly, he's about as exciting as, well, cottage cheese, but when you're a robot, do you really want a flashy (read: human) running mate? Or do you just want someone who looks okay in a suit? Actually, now that I look at his official photo, I'm not that sure he isn't a robot too. It does compute!

3. Rob Portman -- um, isn't he the hitman Whitney Houston's sister hires in The Bodyguard? Do you really want a felon as your running mate? If so, hell -- you might as well get the undead Dick Cheney and go all in, Mittens.

4. Chris Christie: Full-on Buffet to the White House! This guy is the certainly the biggest candidate, but would he even help Mittens win New Jersey? He didn't even have the energy to run for president, despite the republican money machine begging him to.

Pluses and minuses on all these guys. What to do, what to do?

I know: Let's look at some female potentials; after all, that really worked for Gramps McCain last time!

 1. Going Rogue! Last time I checked, Sarah Palin hadn't been on TV for a whole five minutes; she's obviously got nothing else going on. Besides, it's not like she'd say no; once a media whore, always a media whore. (I think Voltaire said that, no?)

2. No one could have predicted! A piano-playing, educated, experienced African-American woman on the ticket! Get outta here! No effing way!   

No, seriously. No effing way. This would never happen.

Sad thing is, much as I can't stand Condi, she'd probably win him more votes than any of these other clowns. She actually has experience, credentials,a gravitas these other wannabes don't even know how to pretend to have.

Which is one of the many reasons Mitt would never even think of her.


Anonymous said...

Did you see Rubio on The Daily Show the other night? What a smarmy little prick.

dguzman said...

I knew he was a smarmy little prick when he actually went on and on about how NOT UPSET he was that Obama didn't consult him before the immigration announcement. Because doesn't the president always seek out a random freshman senator from the other party when an executive order is about to come out?