WHAT IF RONALD REAGAN WERE GAY?
REAGAN ANNOUNCES BILLIONS IN RESEARCH FUNDING FOR NEW MYSTERY ILLNESS -- headline in the New York Times
Oh, if only. Let's keep dreaming, shall we? (Is "boondogglery" a word?)
WHAT IF ABRAHAM LINCOLN WERE GAY?
Let's keep thinking. Maybe a movie star...
WHAT IF TOM CRUISE WERE GAY?Oh wait. Yeah. Gay. Obvy! Okay. Let's think here. No more Hollywood. Let's go back east to the tough guys....
WHAT IF J. EDGAR HOOVER WERE GAY?
"Ooooh, watch where you point that thing, tough guy!"
Well, shit! This is really hard! Who else?
Editorial Note: I really DO wish Reagan had been gay, and not just gay but OPENLY gay. Of course, he'd never have been president -- unless we started our little game so far back in history that, by the time 1980 rolled around, homosexuality was completely accepted. So let's try that....
WHAT IF ALEXANDER THE GREAT...oh fuck.
WHAT IF JULIUS CAESAR WERE GAY?
"Talk to me, Marky Mark."
Hmmm. I know the Greeks were always having man-sex, but what about the Romans? If my barely passable knowledge of the Roman Empire is correct, I don't recall any gay rumors among the Caesars or Marc Antonys of Rome. Still, there was that whole stabbing on the Ides of March thing. Jilted lovers? Gay drama? Bizarre love triangle? You decide.
Moving on through history...
WHAT IF KING ARTHUR WERE GAY?
WHAT IF QUEEN ELIZABETH WERE GAY?
WHAT IF RICHARD NIXON WERE GAY?
"Hey, Macarena--YEAH!"All republicans would be officially gay, by order of the President. End of story.
WHAT IF GLENN BECK WERE GAY?
Then he wouldn't be such a fucking douche bag, now would he? He'd demand equal rights for all, collective bargaining rights for all unions, and a permanent social safety net -- all at the expense of bullshit military spending. Oh, we'd still have a military....But WHAT A MILITARY!
Editor's Note: I didn't link to any American soldier dancing videos because, well, how can I put this without insulting our brave men and women in combat? Let's just say that we really need some gays in the military, if only to teach these guys how to dance.