Friday, November 30, 2007

Qbva' jung V'z gbyq

V'z xvaqn jvttva nobhg n cbfg ng Cunelathyn gbqnl. V'z abg n eryvtvbhf crefba, abe qb V ernyyl oryvrir va Tbq, ohg V qba'g oryvrir gung rirelbar jub qbrf oryvrir va Tbq vf fghcvq. Ohg ur xvaqn qbrf. Fgvyy, ernq gur cbfg abg sbe gung, ohg sbe gur yvax gb n arj cbyy gung fubjf gung zber crbcyr oryvrir va gur yvgreny rkvfgrapr bs n uryy naq gur qrivy guna oryvrir va angheny fryrpgvba. Guvf pbhagel vf tbvat qbja gur shpxvat ghorf va na vagryyvtragyl qrfvtarq onfxrg.

Line of the day

I was over at Talking Points Memo (which is doing a great job of covering the latest about Giuliani's moneygrubbing and indiscretions while mayor, BTW) and followed a link to a NYT story about some retired generals who've written a letter to Congress urging them to repeal the idiotic "Don't Ask-Don't Tell" law.

Bein' gay and all, I've read a lot about this particular issue, and it's long been reported that most military brass think gays in the military are not a problem. Several times in the late great Randy Shilts' Conduct Unbecoming, he quotes officers saying that they're surprised the ban on gays is still standing. So now some retired brass are asking that the ban be lifted.

But all this isn't the line of the day---no, that honor goes to the tiny-but-perfectly-formed Secretary of State Robert Gates. The line was actually delivered a while back when Gatesy was defending Gen. Peter Pace's remarks about teh gay thing being "immoral." But the NYT recycled it, and it bears spotlighting now.

Are you ready for it?
“Personal opinion really doesn’t have a place here,” Defense Secretary Robert M.
Gates said in March. “What’s important is that we have a law.”

Now THIS is rich. A high-ranking official in the most blatantly lawless, selfishly motivated rogue administration ever is talking about how "important" it is that "we have a law" and that "personal opinion" shouldn't even be considered. Mr. Gates, you'd do well to remind your superiors up in the White House of this fact, next time Bush says he feels it's the right time to bomb another sovereign nation.

Just sayin'.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Grooming update!

I got a picture of the Mangroomer!

Yes, folks, for only $39.99 you too can groom your man!

Now, reviewing the comments on the previous Info Needed post, Dr. Monkey said no one should ever buy this thing for a guy, but Dcap in NY says all men secretly groom -- seems to me that they'd need these devices to get the job done! After all, Matty Boy and millions of others are looking for an alternative to those scary little scissors, right?

So now that you've seen the Mangroomer (told you it looked like a giant Trac II), what do you think?

The finality of it all

Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein's Carl the Condom post made me put into words what I've been feeling for the last seven years:

Bill Clinton fucked one intern. He was impeached.
George Bush is fucking the whole world on a daily basis. He's still in office with no end in sight.

The world will never be the same.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Info needed

I was looking through a catalog from Bed, Bath, and BEYOND-OND-OND-OND! just now, as a coworker and I were discussing what to get my cool boss for xmas, when I came across an item called a MANGROOMER, a "do-it-yourself electric back hair shaver" that basically looks like a an oversized Trac II with a super-long handle. Probably everyone's seen or heard of this thing --I don't have TV, so I don't get to see this stuff unless it's just by chance. I couldn't find a pic online or I'd grace you with that -- suffice it to say that, thankfully, the guy in the ad seems to have just finished shaving whatever might've been growing back there.

1. Do guys really use things like the Mangroomer, mustache trimmers, or ear and nose hair trimmers?

2. If guys do use these things, do they buy them for themselves, or do they wait for a frustrated (disgusted?) spouse or significant other to gift it to them?

3. If guys don't admit to using them or buying them, then why the hell are there so many different kinds?

Atheist's prayer's answered; God real?

Photo Credit: Gerald Martineau - The Washington Post

YES YES YES!!!! I'd been commenting yesterday around the blogosphere on various posts about Old Trent Lott's sudden resignation, saying things like "Oh, please, let there be a toetapping bathroom scandal!" But this is possibly even BETTER. Thanks to Jess Wundrun, who linked to Mock, Paper, Scissors, who linked to Larry Flint, who linked to PageOneQ! (yes, my clicking finger is tired)

Now, I don't want to go counting my chickens before they dance at the Chicken Ranch, but even the possibility of Trent's being in the Toe-Tapping ClubTM makes me shiver with delight!

So let's review the present status of the Singing Senators, L-R:
1. Trent "The Throat" Lott: possibly purchased the services of male escort--juicy details to surface quickly, I'm sure!

2. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig: still in denial, but the truth is out there. Note the way he's eyeing his microphone.

3. John "Let the Eagle Soar" Ashcroft: harassed by Gonzo to approved illegal govt spying while in his hospital bed. No toe-tapping (that we know of).

4. Jim Jeffords: party-switcher from repub to independent. Who knows?

Yikes. Think of all the repub senators out there, thanking their lucky stars that they're tone-deaf.

Sweet schadenfreude, it's getting nearly impossible to keep up with the repub scandals these days, whether money-related (Ted Stevens, Duke Cunningham, et al.) or sex-related (practically every repub in the senate). But you know, none of these scandals would outrage me if they weren't perpetrated by these members of the "party of family values" and "fiscal conservatives" and "moral majority" and anti-gay measures and all the other bullshite these repubs claim to live by. It's the hypocrisy that gets me. I mean, I don't care if Trent Lott's doin' the boy next door; just don't go saying stuff about homosexuality like this:

"It is [a sin]....You should try to show them a way to deal with that problem, just like alcohol ... or sex addiction ... or kleptomaniacs." - Senate Republican Leader Trent Lott, Associated Press, June 15, 1998.

I feel nothing but glee at the way these bastidds are bringing down their seemingly bullet-proof party.

Now--for the rest of that post headline: I may need input from my Catholic pal FranIAm, but when an atheist like me hopes and prays for something to happen, and then it happens, does that atheist have to start believing? Please advise.

Monday, November 26, 2007

It's official: we're all screwed, forever

As always, Josh Marshall and his team at Talking Points Memo cover this story from all the angles. I'm no geometry whiz, but from all the angles I've seen, we're screwed, folks:

White House Releases "Principles" for Permanent Iraqi Presence
By Spencer Ackerman - November 26, 2007, 11:12AM

So it begins. After years of obfuscation and denial on the length of the
U.S.'s stay in Iraq, the White House and the Maliki government have released
a joint declaration of "principles" for "friendship and cooperation."
Apparently President Bush and Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki signed the
declaration during a morning teleconference.

Naturally, the declaration is euphemistic, and doesn't refer explicitly to any U.S. military presence.
-- Iraq's leaders have asked for an enduring relationship with America, and we seek an enduring relationship with a democratic Iraq. We are ready to build that relationship in a sustainable way that protects our mutual interests, promotes regional stability, and requires fewer Coalition forces.
-- In response, this Declaration is the first step in a three-step process that will normalize U.S.-Iraqi relations in a way which is consistent with Iraq's sovereignty and will help Iraq regain its rightful status in the international community – something both we and the Iraqis seek. The second step is the renewal of the Multinational Force-Iraq's Chapter VII United Nations mandate for a final year, followed by the third step, the negotiation of the detailed arrangements that will codify our bilateral relationship after the Chapter VII mandate expires.

Doesn't this kind of thing need congressional approval? or even their input? Or is it sufficiently vague, with terms like "enduring relationship" instead of something more realistic like "permanent military bases," to merely guarantee that Mr. Nation-Builder-Chimpy-Commander-Guy (or anyone of like mind who steals the presidency in the future) can just basically do what he wants, when he wants?

Note that the agreement in the first point mentions the requirement of "fewer Coalition forces," which on its face sounds like great news, yet in the next point extends the "Multinational Force-Iraq's ... relationship" even after the mandate expires. In other words, indefinitely. As long as Chimpy likes. As long as Halliburton is making billions. As long as Eric Prince and his mercenaries feel like getting drunk and shooting people at random.

How far has our democracy spun out of control when these idiots can make their little backroom deals with zero input from the American people or the Congress we elected to represent our viewpoints? Do we, as citizens, even matter to this government? For the rest of this illegitimate presidency, will anyone in BushCo even bother to pretend that what the American people want is important? A majority of Americans wants this war OVER. Yet now, we're even farther from seeing that happen than we were before.

Just when I thought it couldn't get much worse, it did.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Previews of coming attractions

Transcript of last night's interview of W by Charlie Gibson on ABC:
GIBSON: Mr. President, let me start with foreign policy. Did you put too much faith in Pervez Musharraf?
BUSH: He’s been a loyal ally in fighting terrorists. He’s also advanced democracy in Pakistan. So far, I’ve found him to be a man of his word. The fundamental question I have for President Musharraf is, will these elections be under emergency law? Because if they are, it’s going to be hard for those of us who have believed he’s advanced Pakistan’s democracy to say that’s still the case.
GIBSON: Is there a line he cannot cross in your mind? Something that would go too far, when you might say to yourself, okay, that’s enough?
BUSH: He hasn’t crossed the line. As a matter of fact, I don’t think that he will cross any lines. Today I thought it was a pretty good signal that he released thousands of people from the jails.

Okay, wow. Where to begin?

Then call all your family members together (it's convenient that tomorrow is Thanxgiving, no?) and tell them you'll probably need to go into hiding soon. Don't be too specific about the reason or your hide-out's location, but at least give them a mail-drop site--like "under the big rock at the corner of Rte 45 and Kline Road"--that way they can communicate with you.

Next, gather all the nonperishables, liquor, and water you can. Start storing it in your secret underground location, making sure that no one follows you! Remember--anyone you bring along will want your food, booze, and water too--that's less for you!
Learn Morse code so you can tap out signals to people in the other cells at Gitmo (this is just in case, okay?).
Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your food coma.
Thanks for sharing with me a great two years of impeachment and other dreams. Let's just hope impeachment becomes a reality some day soon.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


These kittens adopted this bunny as their mommy. Read the whole story at BBC. Look at those sweet little babies and their new disapproving mommy!

Thanks to Birdchick for the link.

I try my hand at handwriting analysis

I've mentioned before that I'm working on a degree in forensic science and I'm hoping to one day work in a crime lab. However, I'm just not sure I'd be able to handle a dead body in the field, so I'm trying to explore other options--toolmarks examination, questioned documents, even handwriting analysis. There are tons of books on this last area of expertise, so I've been reading about the finer points of looking at handwriting samples for comparison, probable state of mind, and so forth.

I’m sure many of you have seen this handwriting comparison of Richard Nixon’s signatures right after his election in 1968, in 1969, in early 1974, and then again in late 1974, when everything had pretty much gone into the crapper for him. Six years of corruption, lying, manipulating, and lawbreaking could turn one’s John Hancock from a once-legible signature to a shaky line.
The “official” interpretation by a handwriting expert was that the 1974 illegible signature expressed Nixon’s “avoidance of the present, and inability to take a stand.” With all he was going through, it's not much of a stretch to think he might've wanted to avoid his present situation back then.

So I thought it would be interesting to look at Chimpy’s signature. Here are signatures from a reading certificate Chimpy signed in 2000 while still governor of Texas, his signature in 2006 on some NASCAR racing car’s hood, and his signature on his latest veto:

What do you think?

A Thanksgiving Message from Commander Guy

This here's yer preznit, George Dubya Bush, and I'm takin' time away from clearin' brush at mah ranch back in Crawford, Texas, to show you how much Ah care about the Murikan people.

Let 'em eat BEANS! Heh heh heh. Here Ah am, posing at a food bank in some place in Virginny. You cain't read the sign behind me, but it says, "they shall go hungry 'long as Ah'm in charge!" Because see, I'm a war preznit. I wake up with war on mah mind. I don't have time to worry about what's happenin' here in Murika, because if Ah do, the terrah-ists win! Besides, Ol' Dick told me the economy's boomin'. That's 'cause I'm a successful bidnessman. All you have to do is look at the profit statements for Halliburton and Blackwater to know that. Heh heh.

Hell, I even pardoned two turkeys --
They'll be goin' to Disneyland instead of to the big house. Nice turkey, nice turkey. Heh heh. We'll set you up with a nice allowance since you took the rap for Big Dick. Heh heh.
So y'all give thanks, because Ah'm the decider and Ah decided you better be thankful.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Yes, master, I hear and obey

Hear and obey, bloggers!
All bloggers must link to the Splotchy.
Do as the master commands!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Everyday Stuff I Psychotically Love

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of rantin’ here lately, and this morning has been extra-hilarious, so I’ve decided to share the mirth by focusing on Everyday Stuff I Psychotically Love:

1. a bag of Crunchy Cheetos mixed with a bag of Nacho-flavored Doritos. Friends, the mingling of these disparate “cheese” essenses makes for a veritable symphony of “cheese”-flavored goodness! I invented this mix in college, and it’s still a favorite 25 years later (and I have the hips and flabby tummy to prove it).

2. when people see Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary in some sort of food. Just this morning, the Fox “News” team was doing a story on some crazy-ass lady who made a pancake and noticed Jesus and Mary, standing side by side, with halos (of course), and (I quote what the Fox guy said) “wearing desert clothing.” I guess that burnt part is the desert clothing?

This makes several of these holy-person-on-food items I’ve heard of--including a tortilla, a grilled cheese sandwich, chocolate drippings, and a pretzel--but there are tons more! This lady with the pancake claimed the image was a sign from her father, who died of cancer last year; she sold the pancake on eBay for about $300.

3. Pentel’s Quicker Clicker .7mm mechanical pencils. When you’re down and out, sitting in your math class wishing you were dead, your mind fried from trying to understand Riemann sums and their roles in calculating integrals, nothing cheers you up like advancing your pencil lead without having to move your hand from the barrel of the pencil. These babies come in transparent blue, violet, and gray; my personal preference is the blue, but hey—the gray is just as good (the violet is just wrong). The erasers on these pencils are also top-notch, capable of erasing even the most careless of sign errors, mis-calculated squares, and backward lesser-than/greater-than signs.

Sorry, Matty-boy!

4. people-watching, and related activities. One of my absolute all-time favorite pastimes, especially when The Kat and The Kid and I make up imaginary conversations between people we’re sitting next to in restaurants. Lest you think we're cruel, I can tell you we only do this when people are talking way too fecking loud in a public place. Keep your conversations to yourselves, folks! Anyway, our fake convos usually range from one person telling the other person the same bad knock-knock joke, over and over (that’s solid gold for The Kid), to wide-ranging discussions about romance, world politics, strange and embarrassing diseases, and table manners.

5. Wegman’s Aqua Italian mineral water with a ton of lime juice in it. It’s the nectar of the gods, especially when you mix in a splash of gin. So refreshing! In a pinch, I'll get Pellegrino, or even Polar Spring, but Wegman's is really the best. I am also saving my empty bottles, because they're a beautiful blue glass; I plan to cut off the bottoms and make them into pendant lighting! Erm, it may or may not happen....

So--what are a few of your favorite things?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Must-see TV

My personal hero and future president Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein just posted a brilliant and insightful piece about waterboarding and how disgusting it is that our government not only does it, but pretends it’s not that bad. They even have their cronies in the MSM who write pieces on how it’s okay to do it because it's just sooo effective at yielding information on terrorists.

In the post, Dr. Monkey suggested that we waterboard all these BushCo feckers and THEN ask them just how effective and “not that bad” it is, which would, frankly, be a just punishment for their lying-sack-o-shit selves.

However, it occurred to me that we might go one better. Picture this:

Put all the BushCo a-holes, both past and present (Rummy, Condi, Cheney, Wolfie, Kristol, Mukasey, Powell, Babs the Impaler, Crazy Eyes, Jenna and Not-Jenna, all of ’em), into a big room.
Bring in some of these “questioners” who are ordered to waterboard people and let them set-up for their “interrogation”—whatever they need—buckets, water, bags for the heads, etc.

Have the questioners select a person at random from the BushCo studio audience. After all, I’m sure one of them has eaten falafel or couscous or something lately, and we know what a great indicator of terrorist activity that is. They can start with anyone--Cheney, for instance. He’s probably got lots of information in that satanic head of his; let's see how much he'll spill when he's being "questioned."
Force the BushCos to watch as that person is waterboarded. Then another person. Then another. Have a TV camera panning between the torture and the BushCos. None of them will be allowed to leave or look away. I mean, they claim this is an effective tactic that isn’t that bad, right? Shouldn’t be that big a deal. Just a few minutes of waterboarding per person, nothing like day-long sessions or anything.

Broadcast this scene LIVE on prime-time TV. Have ads leading up to the broadcast encouraging everyone to tune in for an important matter of national security.

Then let’s see how long these fuckers last before the American people rise up and throw them bodily out of their government offices and onto the streets of D.C.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Delia reveals a secret

Okay, I have something to tell you guys that I’ve held inside for a while now. I might as well come clean, because I just admitted this stuff in a comment on another blog. It’s very relevant to recent news events, too. And you can file it under “sometimes Delia is just too naïve for words.”

Here it is:

I actually read Bernie Kerik’s autobiography, Lost Son: A Life in Pursuit of Justice, a couple of years ago, and I actually thought he was an okay guy.

There! I said it!

Now let me explain: First, I’m sure I’ve mentioned at least once that I’m going to school again to get a degree in Forensic Science. That's why I'm suffering through the calculus right now. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated solving crimes. I never wanted to be a cop, though—I wanted to be a private detective or something cool like that, using my brain to solve crimes. I read Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, and even Encyclopedia Brown (I thought Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew sucked). Cops were boring and mean and gave tickets and ate donuts; I wanted to solve crimes.

Later, when I started watching Bill Kurtis’ "Cold Case Files" (the first crime mystery type show ever—the one that started it all!), I knew I wanted to do that stuff—work in a crime lab and look at paint scrapings, or identify handwriting, or examine fingerprints. Something useful—something that would help find criminals and bring them to justice.

As a result of these interests, I have a rather odd library of books: beside all my general science and literature and birding and gardening books, I have titles like Whoever Fights Monsters, The Serial Killer Encyclopedia, MindHunter, Unnatural Death: Confessions of a Medical Examiner, and stuff like that. I absolutely love reading about what makes criminals do what they do, methods to catch criminals, etc. The Kat still gets a little freaked out when I come home with something like “Women Who Kill” or “Blood and Money” or “Helter Skelter” but she’s used it.

So I also love biographies—I’ve read books by cops, profilers, investigators, federal marshalls, and all sorts of people who investigate crimes. (I tend to stay away from the criminal bios, because I don’t want to support them like that; I try not to get dazzled by mafia types, killers, etc.) So when I saw Kerik’s book, and the fact that he was chief of police of NYC during 9/11, I figured what the heck? Might be interesting.

As I said, there were times when he’d drone on about his obviously right-wing beliefs and how big a threat terrorism is, blah blah blah--but I’ve found that many police officers are republicans because they mistakenly think that repubs are tough on crime, pro-police, etc – when all they really want is to make the cops enforce their fascist leanings (see GWBush).

But I digress. So anyway, the book was fairly interesting, and I thought he’d done a good job covering his life and his search for his mother’s killer (though the crime was never solved).

Then about a month after I'd read the book, I happened to catch a news story about Kerik's having possibly done some dirty stuff, using dirty money to redo his apartment, getting money from the Mob, etc. I was shocked, just shocked! Seriously—I just thought that he was an honest cop. At the time, I was taking an Intro to the Criminal Justice System class, and I even mentioned it to my teacher—a former Philly cop. He just shrugged and said there are good cops and dirty cops. I got the sense he didn’t want to talk about it, but it really bothered me. I mean, I knew there were dirty cops, of course. But I had read this guy’s book, and I kinda liked him! I was impressed with the good things he’d done while on the force. How could I have been so blind and so stupid!? And he sure didn’t mention anything about his Mob ties, his ass-kissing of Rudy, fudging his taxes, and all that in the book!

So he was indicted the other day on corruption charges; here’s a few details, from a story on

_ Accepting $255,000 in renovations to his Bronx apartment -- including a marble entrance rotunda, marble bathrooms and a Jacuzzi -- from a construction firm, in exchange for helping the company get a business license. Kerik had complained to one company official that "he felt like he was on `welfare,"' the indictment says. The company was being investigated for alleged ties to organized crime.

_ Allowing an official of the same company to pay more than $236,000 in rent for another Kerik apartment. _ Failing to report those payments on his financial disclosure forms, on his tax returns and to a state grand jury that investigated him.

_ Getting witnesses to lie about the payments to investigators.

_ Falsely claiming $80,000 in charitable contributions and a home-office deduction on his income tax forms.

_ Not reporting the wages he paid to a nanny for his children and not paying her Social Security and Medicaid taxes.

_ Not reporting royalties from a forward he wrote for a book.

_ Falsifying a mortgage application by not disclosing that he had borrowed -- from a real estate agent doing business with the city -- the money he was using as a down payment.
_ Falsely answering written and oral questions from federal agencies as he applied for federal posts, including homeland security secretary. Kerik ultimately withdrew from consideration for the homeland security post because of tax issues involving his former nanny.

Wow. I’m never surprised anymore at these kinds of indictments. It seems like the higher-up people get, whether it be in law enforcement or politics or big business, the more likely they are to both get money illegally and then try to hide it. It’s like they start to make a little money, and that just makes them want more; then they find that their positions grant them audience with all sorts of people who are ready and willing to give them more money if they’ll just do this or that “small favor,” nothing big, of course! Just use your newfound connections to do a little favor, and I'll help you out with those home renovations you were trying to do, or I'll give your campaign a nice fat check.

I sometimes wonder how these things progress—how someone who originally went into a job to do good gets corrupted and ends up being just as bad a slimeball as the crooks they originally wanted to nail. I’m sure at first, they’re thinking, “well, it’s just this once, and everybody does it, and I’m sure it’s not illegal or they wouldn’t have asked me to do it!” Then before you know it, you’re taking money from crooks just to look the other way, and you’re getting a second apartment for your mistress, and you’re covering it all up nice and neat by just not telling anyone.

In his book, Kerik singled out a few detectives who worked with him when he was a police officer, still working on the streets. He talked about these guys like they were Starsky and Hutch and McGyver and Clint Eastwood, all rolled into one -- hell, that's kinda how he described himself, really. I wonder what those guys think of him now. Maybe they were in on his dealings all along; who knows? Or maybe they’re just as disgusted as I am.

When I was starting to write this post, I googled for the full title of his book, and I saw this--you can get a copy of that cook for a stinkin' penny:

I find it very satisfying that more and more stories are appearing in the national press about the effect this case could have on Rudy Giuliani. Of course, Rudy’s doing all he can to distance himself from Kerik (so much for loyalty and friendship!), but it’s obvious that the two have been pals for a long time to anyone in NYC, anyone who read Kerik’s book, and anyone who remembers the hilariously ironic fact that Rudy suggested to Chimpy Bush that Kerik would make a great head of the Dept of Homeland Security (hard to type those words without throwing up a little in my mouth). It’s going to be delicious if the media finally decide to turn on Giuliani and report this story as it should be reported, with all the juicy background connections between these two crooks. Imagine if Kerik does jail time!

So there—I’ve exposed my deep dark secret that’s been bugging me since all these Kerik stories started coming out. I’m clean now, and you may judge as you see fit.

Friday, November 09, 2007

A peek into the mind of Rudy Jewels

So I’m running for president now, heh heh. I figure it should be almost as easy as running New York City. I mean, I single-handedly got NYC through 9/11, didn’t I? (Didn’t I? Did I? Oh what the fuck, of course I did.)

Yeah, running the world will be a snap. Now all I need to do is show my credentials. When people find out how qualified I am, I’ll beat that Hillary bitch into the fucking ground! Let’s see…
1. Experience—check! I was the mayor a New York City! Scoreboard! Some people say I didn’t learn a damned thing from the 1993 WTC bombing, but I sure as hell did. I bought a bunch more walkie talkies, and I put the emergency management team RIGHT IN THE BUILDING! So our response time could be, like, seconds, not minutes! I was there practically the whole damned time, too. And I did all the photo ops and everything with Bernie and Bush. People love me!

What’s that? What do you mean, “foreign policy experience”? Hello, read my lips: NINE-ELEVEN. How much more foreign can you get?

2. Family values—now here’s where I REALLY shine.
I have like five families, people! And I’m always looking to dump the wife for a new one! I totally know how to do that family, wife, and marriage thing. I’m a lock on this one too!

4. Endorsements—Hmmm. Well. Let me make a few calls first… Okay! Check THIS out, people: Pat friggin’ Robertson! He’s on my side now! All I had to do was say that I wore that dress, said I was pro-choice, and supported gay rights way back when because I did it for MONEY and for votes! He totally understood when I told him that; he knows how it is when you need to get the dollars out of the wallets. Look how we’re pals:
And check me out—here I am praying for Big Business—see how Jesus-y I am?

Man, I can’t wait to be president. Think of it! Judy—or Sally—or Betty—oh whatever the hell her name is—my current wife will be able to do a lot of redecorating, which ought to keep her occupied while I go out and find wife#4. What? Well, OF COURSE I’ll be trading her in for a younger model—she was my Mayor wife! I’ll need a President wife, someone who will be worthy of me when I’m the emperor of the world!

I could find some juicy sweet strawberry like this one:

Or I could find a battle-ax mother figure; that’s worked in the past too:
Ugh--maybe not. Anyway, I’ll pretty much be able to bag anyone when I’m the emperor. Hell, I’ll be able to do whatever I want, thanks to that idiot Bush’s flushing the Constitution down the toilet.

Say hello to my little friend: Bernie Kerik!

It'll be just like Scarface: "First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women." I’ll have all of that and more.

What's my first move as president, you ask? Easy:

BOOM BOOM BOOM, baby! Then here’s what the Middle East will look like:OIL CITY! You think I didn’t learn from watching Bush that it’s all about oil? Sheeeit, mama didn’t raise no fool, people.

Ten random things about me that probably only my mom would be interested in, or maybe Kat

FranIAm tagged me to do this, so I'll do my best to think of ten things about me that are both random and not necessarily that obvious to people who've read my blogs.

ONE—I don’t like chocolate very much. Never have. If it’s combined with peanut butter or almonds, I’ll probably take it. Otherwise, no thanks. It's just not that good to me. I'm not that big a fan of sweets in general. I think I ate way too much candy as a kid and just kinda glutted myself beyond repair.

TWO—I’m a native Texan. But I’ll never live there again – once I saw the rest of the US (especially the East), I knew I’d never go back to Texas.

THREE—We don’t have TV, at least not the broadcast kind. We live in the boonies, so we’d have to get a dish. That means we’d have a million channels, and we’d probably sit and watch Law and Order reruns all fucking day. Instead, we just have DVDs and videos, and we get lots of other stuff done. I miss it sometimes, but it's nice not having to pay that cable/dish bill.

FOUR—I have a master’s degree in English, and now I’m getting a BS in Forensic Science. Way back when there was only Bill Curtis’s Cold Case Files and no CSI-wherever, Forensic Files, Court TV, etc., I became fascinated with crime-solving, but I didn’t want to become a cop. So when they showed crime labs on these shows, I knew that’s what I wanted to do. I don't know if I would be able to deal with dead bodies and blood out in the field, though -- so I'm keeping my options open and will try to study questioned documents or toolmarks or something, so in case I just freeze up (or throw up) at the idea of working a murder scene with a body, I can focus on other stuff and just stay in the lab.

FIVE—I don’t have a middle name. Only one of my siblings got a middle name, and I’ve never figured out why my parents decided to give her one after not giving the other four kids one. I suppose I could ask them what's up, but it’s never really been that important to me. What is annoying is that most people don’t believe me when I tell them I don’t have a middle name; they figure it’s something embarrassing, and I’m just covering it up. Not so. Just don’t have one.

SIX—I’m the middle child of five, but because there was a long break between my older sister and me (3 years, which is long for a Catholic couple like my parents!), it was never like I was neglected or whatever. I was always the peacemaker in my family.

SEVEN—(okay this is getting tougher) I used to want to be a professional musician (okay, okay—a rock star). I started playing the guitar in 10th grade (I taught myself), and I practiced a lot and good pretty good. I was in a band in college—we played covers at the local college pub, etc. When I got my teaching job at 26, I just stopped playing. I think it’s because I was then living with someone for the first time, and I didn’t like practicing and playing and writing songs when there was someone else in the house. After that, I just never got back into it. I miss it sometimes, and sometimes I’ll play a few songs just for fun and I’ll think, “I should do this more often, maybe start playing at the local coffeehouse…” but then I just never do it.

EIGHT—I have flat feet, and as I age, they hurt more. My ankles are always hurting too.

NINE—I’m lazy as hell when it comes to housework. I just hate it. If Kat helps, it’s not so bad, but I have almost zero motivation to just do housework on my own. I love a clean house, but I just don’t want to be the one who has to clean it. Despite the fact that I hate the idea of having a "servant," I hope someday we’ll be rich and I can get a maid--I would pay him or her well, I promise.

TEN—(holy shit, I didn’t think I’d make it this far) I’ve never had any of the typical childhood diseases that people get, and I’ve never had the flu – no mumps, no measles, no chicken pox, no flu. I’ve had walking pneumonia, but that was it. For the most part, I’ve always been very healthy (and lucky). (right now, though, I’m about 30 lbs overweight—but I hate exercise and love junkfood. It’s a curse.)

Okay--now I'm exhausted. All this introspection is tiring.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Congrats to PA dems!

Seems we had ourselves a little EEE-lection last night, and much to mah joy and sue-prize, some things are gonna be changin' 'round these parts!

Oh, sorry. I don't really know where the accent came from. Perhaps it's that elusive "Texas Swagger" that Chimpy McFlightsuit's always supposed to have.

Perhaps I'll throw up a little in my mouth.

Ahem. Anyway, local elections in my area went GREAT last night! Some highlights for Centre County, Pennsylvania:
Debra Ruest beat incumbent repub Jonathan Grine and will be the first woman to serve on the Centre County Court of Common Pleas.

Longtime candidate and all-around nice guy Jon Eich won election to our Board of County Commissioners, along with another newcomer Rich Rogers. Repubs' write-in campaigns failed miserably, and our board is now solidly democratic.

Leslie Dutchcot won a spot as a District judge.

Dems took over the local school board as well, thwarting more repub attempts to write-in their candidates.

The democratic party in State College is pretty strong, having already had success in 2006 with the ouster of everybody's favorite 'phobe Rick Santorum in favor of centrist dem Bob Casey.
Do you remember this classic photo?
I just had to wonder what they told those kids to make them cry and look so terrible. I mean, the little one's only eight--what the hell does she know about politics?
I know! Let's use my combination TimeMachine/Eavesdropper to go back and listen in for a few seconds right before the photo was taken:

Mrs. Saint-R-Us: Kids, we need to go out and speak before the media.
Eight-yr-old-with-doll: Again? Why?
Little round-faced boy: Yeah, mom, why?
Mrs. S: Because Daddy didn't win his re-election, honey! Daddy's out of a job! Remember, I told you this might happen if the heathens of this state got their way!
Older girl: You mean the gays and the liberals defeated Daddy?
Mrs. S: Well, yes, with the help of the devil. You know how strong the devil can be, especially here in Pennsyl-tucky! Those satan-worshipping liberals and gay people hurt Daddy tonight!
Eight-yr-old: Waaaahhhh!!!!

Let the healing begin.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Rumors and Hillary Clinton

Tip o’ the bloggy hat to FranIAm for bringing up this From the Left post about Hillary Clinton and the rumor that she is lesbian. Reading Christopher's original post, I couldn’t help but think that there was something not quite right going on. Let me try to explain:

First, I have never thought Hillary Clinton was lesbian; I just don’t get that feel from her. Much as I’d love to have her on my team, I just don’t think the lady’s got it in her to explore whatever -um- urges she might (or might not) have had. The woman is powerful and has women in key positions around her; to me, this bespeaks her feminism, not lesbianism.

I agree with Christopher that Clinton’s strong poll ratings so far have kept Gore from entering the race. I’d be willing to bet that Gore has considered it, but he knows that Bill and Hillary would likely smash him into bits if he seriously hinted at getting into the race. Right now, Clinton seems unstoppable, but Gore would be a massive distraction. God knows dems don’t need that to happen again. (Nader, party of green?) Gore knows this better than anyone, so he takes the convenient out: he’s more powerful now as a regular citizen than he could be as a politician, and thus why would he get back into politics and take the media’s abuse again? Best to take his Nobel Prize and keep on truckin'. Leave the White House to Bill and Hillary again.

Second, I just can’t help but wonder if all these rumors of an L.A. Times story and all the gossip it’s inciting are merely a more subtle Swift-Boat campaign. Think about it; in its bare essence, the idea of Clinton as a lesbian just sounds like something Rove and his ilk would use to sabotage her campaign. But it wouldn’t be enough to just start the tongues wagging; that’s junior high stuff. No, to be in the Rove/Swift-Boat leagues, you’d have to stir in the idea that the truth is indeed out there, at the L.A. Times, and it’s only a matter of time before the facts come to light. Whether the story ever even materializes would be beside the point; the damage would be done. Because let’s face it – the easiest way to bring down a politician these days is by playing the gay/not-gay card. Card-carrying sicko David Vitter can run around in diapers with female prostitutes, and nothing happens. But closet-case Larry Craig taps his toes and maybe makes a veiled pass at a male cop, and he’s out in the cold faster than he can shout “I’m not gay!” Sadly, DC’s—and America’s—homophobia knows no bounds. Shit, to the radical reich and many religious nutwing voters, gays and lesbians are simply evil. I'm sure the reich are spreading this rumor with a frenzy.

Little wonder that Clinton’s poll numbers are already taking a downturn, which of course some people are claiming is evidence that the rumors are true and already affecting the Clinton campaign. I think that's falling prey to “Post hoc, ergo propter hoc,” or “After this; therefore, because of this;” just because the rumors came before a small drop in her poll numbers does not mean that one caused the other.

Further, combine all this with the (I’m sure) intentionally salacious-sounding hits you get when you google Huma Abedin’s name:

and it just seems to me like this is all too orchestrated, too convenient. In a race where Clinton has been the big favorite for quite some time, carefully protecting her centrist image and saying all the right things, it just seems very unlikely that this kind of thing could surface unless it were orchestrated by someone. Which leads me to ask: who would orchestrate such a thing? Answer: anyone on the republican side who’s worried about losing the ridiculously excessive power the repubs gained under the BushCo dictatorship.

So those are my thoughts on this issue; what do you think?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Rudy Jewels, Mayor of the Universe!

Thanks to Talking Points Memo for this little item on Rudy's latest campaign claims. To wit,

"One of the key differences between me and all my opponents is I've had the safety and security of 8 million people on my shoulders. Being continually tested in crisis situations gives me the credibility and experience to control our borders."

Wow. Who knew Rudy was so freakin' in control? All those transit and garbage strikes must've forged him into a safety/security superman! WTF do mayors really do, anyway?

My guess is that he thought it would sound impressive to say "8 million people," but let's face it -- I'm no New Yorker, but it seems to me the guy was probably too busy covering for dirty pals like Bernie Kerik, getting rich making speeches, and doing nothing spectacular on 9/11 to actually even come close to having "the safety and security of 8 million people on [his] shoulders." Fecking liar.

I'm hoping that Puking Pumpkin Award Giver D-cap in NY and/or New Yawkuh FranIAm will see this and
on Rudy for this shite.

Friday, November 02, 2007

As seen on TV

Look what you find when you check out the Reich-wing sites!


What is going on here?

Isn't this a little like Mr. KoolAid going postal on the KoolAid factory?

Check out my future!

Like everyone who has an email account, I got A LOT of spam—but not all of it is about increasing the size of my penis. Here’s a little peek into my inbox at some of the subject lines:

I'm sure this will interest you

Win mad sum of money at Backgammon tournament

Show0ff YourNew RolexReplica

Representative from your Country needed
So if I fall behind on blog posting, you'll know that I got interested enough to enter a bigtime backgammon tournament and won some mad money. I would then be living the high life, showing off my -er- replica bling while representin' Amurka. Ta-ta, y'all!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Duh--Rumsfeld was a psycho-liar

For a truly hilarious read, check out this WaPo article on Rumsfeld's memos while in office.
R.I.P, Robert Goulet.